Why your tweets suck!

When I knew all my followers I put up with a lot of crap on twitter because I like them and wanted to be involved. Now that I have almost 2000 followers and im following them all I can say with authority that there are a LOT of SUCKY tweets out there. So many that Im considering unfollowing all but my favorite 100 people.

Here’s why your tweets suck. (note: my tweets have known to suck too so I am no immune here – mine just suck less than yours)

• You have an avatar thats not you.  Get a picture of you, a body part of you, you with your dog, you on a boat.  Something to let me know you arent a pervert.  Be creative.  Be funny.  But dont be someone else.
• You tweet scripture all day every day.  I have a bible.  I don’t need you to tweet scripture every time you tweet.
• You think im interested.  If you are selling anything im unfollowing you.
• I dont care what you ate or that you drink starbucks.  – CAVEAT – if something funny or remotely interesting happened like you got a chopped off finger in your salad – then we want to know but take a picture at least.
• You think twitter is IM.  Stop @ replying to people over and over.  Thats what IM is for.  If you need to carry on a conversation pick up the phone or use IM or email.  Write a letter and lick a stamp.  One time is ok – twice is getting on my nerves.  5x and you need to get a girlfriend!
• Everything isnt spiritual.  OK I know it is – but I dont want to hear how your kid crapping a diaper is a perfect example of how you treat God when you screw up.  We know you suck.  We know God is good.  If your kid pops out an interesting turd – take a picture.  Otherwise shut up.
• Your avatar is animated.  I do not want to look at dancing bologna all day long.  use your camera phone a take a picture of your eyeball or something.  I dont care if you can animate a gif file.
• You are retweeting people with 850,000 followers.  I already follow them.
• You overuse retweeting.  I dont really care what lifts you up, makes you think, or makes you laugh.  I dont want your forwarded email and I dont want all your retweets.
• Caveat 1:  when I say something profound retweet it.  I dont have 850,000 followers.  I dont say things that are profound very often either.
• Caveat 2:  if something is REALLY worth retweeting (i.e. blood is coming out of body parts, something is so hysterically funny you wrecked the car trying to RT, or something is hauntingly life changing) retweet but get it all please.
• You aren’t real.  I cant stand people who always tweet one thing.  Some pastors always tweet a sermon or inspriational tidbid.  Some people only tweet prayer.  Some people only spout wisdom.  Some people market their crap.  Some people never have a bad day.  If you are not real – i dont care what you have to say.  Variety helps me know you are real.
• You are not funny.  Work sucks, ministry is hard, life happens, stuff hits the fan.  If you make me laugh thats good medicine and good bible (prov 17:22).  Before you tweet ask yourself – would I want to read this?  Will this make me laugh?
• You never interact with me.  If I @ mention you, could you at least once in a while @mention me?  We dont have to carry on an infinite conversation but its not all about you.  If you only @reply to your clique you are a freakin snob and dont deserve the followers you have.
• You assume I want to be your BFF.  Don’t DM me with your autofollow software and tell me how great it is that we are BFF’s and send me a link to your blog or product.  If you DM me you better be typing on a keyboard somehwere.  Put some effort into it.
• You make me work too hard.  If I have to request to follow you – im not doing it.  Its the internet – you cant hide anyway.
• I cant figure out who you are or where you live.  Put a link to SOMETHING in your profile and put your City, State, Country in.  I dont know your iPhone lattitude and longitude.  If I know where you live I might understand what you are saying. (i.e. a sweet tea reference can be funny to people in the south).
• You are not my mother or holy spirit.  If you have helpful advise and I know you – I will probably listen to you.  If you attack me about my church or theology, or freely offer medical advice or spritual counseling but I dont know you from adam’s house cat I think you need to read your bible or get some real friends.

I hope this helps.  It wasn’t directed at you so dont take it personally.  It was all those other people whose tweets suck that I was talking to.  Now go update your avatar and profile.