I would like a church where…

I’ve given some thought to Crosspoint and other ministries i’ve been involved in.  I decided I would like a church where:

• No one complains that the sound is too loud.
• Everyone thinks that every song we do is “worshipful” and brings them to the throne room of God.
• People would invite me as the pastor to their home for Sunday dinner and tell me how much they love the Lord and ask me to say grace over the meal.
• I could preach a 20 minute sermon I copied from sermoncentral.com so we always finish on time.
• When I preach that sermon people would shake my hand and say “Great sermon Brother.  Really touched me.”  And then I would see them next Sunday and talk about football or the weather.
• Everyone smiled at each other, shook hands or hugged and said nice things to each other when they were “in the house of the Lord.”
• No one calls during the week or shows up at your house when their marriage is ending, their teen is in trouble again, or they don’t have any money left and the mortgage is 2 months late.
• No one was addicted to pain pills or pornography but if they were a prayer ministry email or phone prayer chain would happen immediately.
• Everyone knew each other so it was OK for anyone to work in the kids ministry on Sunday at last minute notice since the regular teacher didn’t show up.  That would also save money from being wasted on criminal background checks or sex offender checks.
• “Sister Mary” sang that special song she loves so much to the split track cassette and even though it was really off key and she forgot some words everyone told her how awesome it was to hear her sing it again.
• We know there will be a big offering push at Easter and Christmas for something called missions – something other people do and they send slide shows so we can know that our money is being used for a good cause for those unfortunate people overseas.
• The bulletin is a great collection of clip art, cute jokes, a few misspelled words and something about the attendance, offering and information about 27 opportunities to be involved but also doubles as a coloring book for children and a 10% off coupon at local restaurants.
• The church office is open 8-5 and staff people who don’t really know each other but love professional ministry do all the stuff for Sunday so the congregation will enjoy the worship service.
• The hardest part of the pastor’s job is preaching the funeral for people who die of natural causes, which seems to happen more and more frequently as the church gets older.

These are just a few things I would like to see in a church.  What would you like to see in a church?